Valentine's Day: A Brief Personal History

I was an awkwardly shy kid growing up, so I never had a "real girlfriend" (what with the kissing and the boobies and the hey-hey-hey) until I was 20 years old. I met her, as many of us introverted pre-Millennials tend to do, in an Internet chat room.

My real life inspired cinematic masterpieces.

Fun fact! Upon hearing that I was going to meet this mysterious internet girl in person, my mom’s sage maternal advice went exactly as follows: “Thank God! You’re finally going to get some.”

Good talk, Mom. Therapy is expensive. 

Thus, for the first two decades of my life, I had a pretty hateful relationship with this so-called "holiday." I was always on the sidelines, looking over at all of those happy couples, with their flowers, balloons, S.T.D.s, and utter such bullshit.

My dislike ran so deep, in fact, that when I eventually had dates of my own in later years, I still hated the day, because you are always expected to do something. Personally, as I've discussed before, I prefer spontaneity. Surprises for the sake of surprises. Obligatory holidays suck because they're not, at least in my view, genuine.

Oh, and if you go all-out one year, assuming you are still with the same partner the following year, you feel like you have to up the ante the next go round. Fortunately (I guess) for me, my relationships never really lasted that long. Score one for poverty, I guess.

Anyway, many years later, I finally just gave up on all of it. I adopted a personal mantra of accepting myself for myself, and not being "desperate for love."

You tell 'em Short Round, you terrible 80's racist stereotype, you.

It actually worked. I felt content and happiness on a scale I hadn't felt in years. There was no longer a missing piece in my life. I was all of the pieces. 

Oh, I also watched a lot of porn. 

Lots...and lots...of porn.

See? Star-Lord gets me.

So, as cliché as it sounds, that's when I finally met a special someone.

Warning: Mushy shit ahead. You've been warned.

I was first introduced to Amanda several years ago, in a hook-up attempt by some well-meaning mutual friends. We clicked on a friendly level, having many shared geeky interests, but neither one of us was ready for anything more. Also, both of us are painfully shy even as adults, so that doesn't help our charisma level much. 

Roll for initiative. Ouch, looks like you're going to die alone in a house full of cats. 

Eh, I could definitely do worse.

But, we talked. And talked. For years we've been talking, and occasionally hanging out, and getting to know each other.
A few months ago, it all came out. We were attracted to each other.

Whoo-hoo! Go Topher, Go Topher, it's your birthday!

Ahem.

I'll spare you the details, but I will say that when it does work, it is amazing. I should know; I'm certainly an expert on when it doesn't work, based on years of experience. References provided upon request.

My advice to everyone, including myself, is to never try to force relationships.* Have fun all by yourself. Be content with who you are first. If something is meant to be, it will be, but in any case you'll already have peace and personal fulfillment in your heart.

*And guys, if a girl you like says NO, then STOP. She has given you her answer. Respect her choice, and her, and let it go. This is very important. Forget how movies and society tells men how to act in these situations, and learn some decorum. It is a dying art.

Long story short, this year I'm finally having an amazing Valentine's Day, because I'm spending it with my best friend, collaborator, and partner in crime.

It has definitely been worth the wait. ♥♥
♥

Why Earth-Bound Time Travel is Extremely Impractical (but still looks cool on film)

The following was originally written and posted to my Facebook "Notes" page on November 19, 2010. It has been re-posted (and edited) here for posterity, and also because I mentioned it in the "Welcome to the Realm" post. I owe much to this writing.

Sure, I love a good sci-fi flick as much as the next guy. A favorite shtick of the genre is the good 'ole time travel story (or, perhaps more accurately, the good 'ole confusing subplot). However, there is an inherent problem with time travel, at least time travel on Earth, that has bothered me for years and I'm surprised no one has ever caught this glaring discrepancy. (At least, that I have ever heard.)

Let's start with the basic movie scenario. Marty hits the gas, accelerating the Delorean up to 88 miles per hour, timed perfectly with the lightning bolt of fate, thus sending him instantaneously into the year 1985. The concept is that the time vehicle moves through time, but not space. Makes sense, right? When the time displacement occurs, after the blinding flash and three sonic booms, the car is still in the Hill Valley town square, at the exact same location, albeit a few decades later. 

Marty's parents are also now freakin' loaded, but I digress...)

"Now what, Mr. Picky Geek, is the flaw with this design?" You might ask. "The Delorean looks cool, what with the stainless steel construction and flippy-uppy doors and all! I get transported in time just by looking at it...to the glorious 1980s!" 

First of all, they made that car for, what, a year? Time to move on, people. Second, here is what would REALLY happen:

Marty hits the pedal, accelerating up to 88 miles per hour. The lightning bolt enters into the flux capacitor, sending the car into...empty space. Marty, after a very brief moment of shock, soon dies of asphyxiation as the Delorean drifts through the eternal vacuum of space. Those gull door wings look cool, but they are absolutely useless for space travel.

Why? What went wrong? The Doc could never be that stupid, right? He's the Doc, for cripes sake! It is actually very simple, which is why it has bugged me for years. A fixed point in space doesn't exist on Earth, due to the fact that Earth is hurtling through the infinite cosmos like a crazed bowling ball towards my ex-girlfriend's picture. Therefore, if you only traveled through time, but not space, the Earth would not be in that same location at a different point in time! 

Suck it, Biff, and your mighty alternate reality gambling empire!

That's right, on any given afternoon, while you're crashing on the couch watching Star Trek reruns, that couch, the Enterprise, and your butt are still moving at incredible speeds. Even traveling in time no more or less than a single hour would have serious geographical repercussions.

Now, if you were to, say, slingshot around a nearby star, then perhaps your time travel would be met with less surprises. 

Just make sure to pack extra plutonium and grab a hoverboard; just in case.

TL;DR: Hollywood, I'm available as a script doctor. Call me.